yesterday's feelings.

yesterday really seemed like the day for me.
everything seemed to just blow up in my face kind of, but now that i take a good, deep look at it.
it's all just really stupid.

i don't know what's up with my father, really.
everywhere i turn and twist, he seems to be mad at me, like i've gone and tried to kill him. but i really don't know. he just started picking at me, and all my faults, so of course, what was i to do but defend myself? i can't keep bringing myself up, or rather, having him build me up then destroy it because he's in the mood for it.
i find myself wanting to break my phone whenever he calls, or just walk away whenever he enters the room. i can't stand to take him or anything he is, and i just don't know why.
it's probably because he's a constant reminder of myself and i just can't bear to see that. i can't see myself because it's so hard to bare with myself.
but none-the-less, things will change. i'm beginning to notice things in my household are rather weird and unconventional, so of course, things will change.
- - -
i also got into a lot of arguments, that idk, were so stupid.
first off, i got into an argument with my mom, and while that was happening, i got into an argument with rob, and then, an argument with niko.
and niko's stupid as hell; the first time i talk to him in months, and it goes in an argument! i think this is the last time i'll ever be needing niko, so.
well, i'd rather not say that, that's bad. it's not the last time i'll be needing him. i just guess.
i guess i won't be talking to him for a while again, because we're both too stubborn towards eachother to say i'm sorry, or admit we were BOTH wrong. when it comes to him, i'm so stubborn, and the last to apologize. but towards anyone else, i'll admit it. i have a lot more guts around him, i'm willing to say. but then again, i don't.
idk, we got into this really stupid argument about the whole applebee's thing because he's a fucking bitch, and. ergh.
whatever.
my argument with my mother was the most ridiculous. everything i try to say to her doesn't translate for some reason, and when i do something it's always wrong. i can't deal with that anymore, either, because it's like, 'why am i your kid then?' you know? i can't keep going and thinking to myself, and looking in the mirror and going, 'hey kid! you're living your life like a mistake!' because that's how she makes me feel. i don't know why. but. i feel like just getting over it like it's nothing. but, it's something.
and my argument with rob, haha.
i don't know, but i think that's what i needed, an argument with him. now that was really stupid. it wasn't as stupid as my argument with niko, but whatever.
it was a really stupid reason to start arguing and to keep going like we did, but we just did.
when it comes to certain things, rather people, rob gets very defensive, and biast.
one day, i hope he'll just come to realize that that's not the way things get done.
ok, rather, i know he realizes it, i just hope one day he'll actually take it into ACTION and make a decision or stop an argument from occurring from not being like that.
the whole time, i felt like my face was on fire, and ready to burn off.
i even took my tempurature, and it was 105!
its that feeling you get when you're really nervous, and know it. or when you have a fever, and REALLY feel it, or when you're like, around someone you like, and really really start blushing.
well, i wasn't blushing, but my face was so red and hot!
i also think that's when i got the most defensive, because i'd been going through this all day, but better yet, that's no excuse
there's still a lot for him to do, i suppose.
he does have a lot more patience, and tolerance than i've seen in a lot of people, but like everyone else in the world, that can be completely cancelled out with your actions or characteristics of another field.
anyway. yes, i'm sorry for that, i wasn't blaming him, i just hope that this isn't like, another fucking wall that i have to climb or jump or demolish, or something.
who knows.
anywho, i'm sorry to all of you. it's things like these i'll try to stop from occurring, since. idk. they're just. bleh.
- - -
i wish i knew some people's intentions and desires, and not the fake ones, but truely know how they feel about certain things and people.
better yet, i think i do know, but rather, i'd like if i didn't know, and then they just told me.
everything i know, i know from learning. and blahblahblah and thinking.
but i wish one day i wouldn't just expect so much, and let it all just come.
- - -
and more so, i think i'm in the phase of, "i dont know"
being able to admit i don't know something.

really feels good.
- - -
maybe i am a little too serious.

monica counted the amount of times i say, "i'm serious" within, idk, 5 minutes.
colour me sarah (9:47:19 PM): i'm serious
colour me sarah (9:48:23 PM): i'm serious!
colour me sarah (9:53:51 PM): i'm serious, kid.