things like these are what get me down, and what ruin the trust i uphold in people i first meet.
with every "phase" that passes me by, more generally speaking in the terms of "relationships" and "boys" (yes, all they are, are well, boys. so damn immature.)
i never know what i'm doing, and with that i've lost all my thoughts. the train has been stopped.
goddamn, i need to loosen up.

i can't think of the right words to say.
its always when i'm down and out that i have to damn blog and convey all my thoughts and feelings.
when i have nothing right to say, right?
what can i say, really.

i'm so upset, and let down.
things like these never surprise me though.
things like these seem so inevitable.

i guess i was "played" hell yes i was lied to. denied, mesmerized. put under this front.
all of the above.
how it hurts.

i can't believe your actions, though. i thought you were so much more above it. it scares me, you know? how can i. put faith and trust into new people i meet if you, who say you're my bestfriend can do this to me so effortlessly.
what kills me even more is that you can do this without even realizing. it kills me.

i guess this is what i have to say, finally, to you:
1. you let me down. i hope you realize that.
2. i hope you realize what you've done, and can just. process it. please. do it to me, ok. but make sure you know what you did so you don't have to put anyone else through it.
3. stay true. please.
4. i want an apology. a true, honest, sincere one.
5. you know what you've done, you really do. so please, stop. like. suck it up goddammit. just, admit it and tell me the truth. is it that hard?
6. i hope you get a goddamn new lock because. ha, your life will be hell for a while if you keep doing this.
all feelings aside,
7. i want to still be your bestfriend. i know how. insane that sounds, but still. you are a good kid. sincere in conversation and thoughts. i want to keep that going, to help both of us.
8. i hope you never forget me. even though i'm not going anywhere.
9.
&. damn, how crazy is this going to sound.
ok, i'm going to suck it up. *deep breath.
i still like you.
goddamn. goooooddamn. ok. understand the context.
ok nevermind, i'm not in the mood.
anyway.

things to tell myself:
1. stop liking jerks.
2. stop liking jerks.
3. don't be so nice.
lol theres more, i'm too lazy.

whatever. apathy, here we come!