this weekend seems so lazy and leisurely to me, but also so comforting and very much needed.
on friday, i fell asleep at around 7-8 and then woke up the next morning at 11.
that was probably the best sleep i've gotten in such a long time.
it felt like i had been sleeping for days, and that was what i needed.
i didn't do much.
i researched some on stem cells, quite intriguing, i'll tell you. and then, i read Fahrenheit 451.
really, really, really good book.
after that, i started some on the queen of subtleties, about anne boyeln. who. captivates me beyond a doubt.
the whole henry VIII, anne and elizabeth lineage just amazes me. anyway.
in between all of this, i was online.
and i read more.
reading will kill me, you know.
and reading everything i probably shouldn't.
i shouldn't delve into the things that i'm not invited to, but if i didn't, could you imagine where i'd be?
i'd be a played out loser, and a best friend in denial.
how amazing.
anyway.

these goddamn blogs are never what i want them to be. when i plan them out in my heads, the elaborate words painted with meaning, they lay out in this harmonium that when read will express the most, and convey all the right meanings.
but when i get to the keyboard i loose all thought, and the thoughts loose everything and become so candid, and blunt. & i hate it.
my words never mean as much and somehow are almost demeaning. and meaningless.
anyway, what i really want to say is;

dear niko,
i am sorry.
and look at it in this context.
ha, i actually doubt i am sorry now that i've looked at it in this context myself.
you are so afraid of letting in, and dating a best friend.
because you yourself have been let down.
by yourself.
you, yourself liked a bestfriend, per say, and boom. it blew up in your face.
it now makes me realize things.
and its not that i even like you, because i really don't, per say, in the many situations and loopholes that you, yourself are. its the fact that you built this notion in your head.
you, telling all your little las vegas friends that i am so hung up on you. that i like you! and that you have to break it to me gently that you don't like me. what? what is that, huh? please, tell me.
last time i checked you still liked me, but i was the one "breaking it gently"
its because i started talking to you again. isn't it? thats what i think. i am so niave, you know. i thought out of everyone, i could never loose you, and a handful of others, but you know what!
forget you.
forget forget forget forget you!
sincerely, sarah

i put too much faith in everything.
and i guess that can go to more than one person.
stop being so scared! my god.
this whole, relationship thing. only confuses me.
not even the whole, romantic relationship, just, social relationships, and friendships!
ahhhhhhhhh
how am i so lonely?