i think i'm crazy, baby.

"i'm nothing i want to be, you know."
i tend to say that a lot in my head but right now i'm not sure if i feel it or not.
this morning i woke up and lied in my bed. my usual routine.
counted my fingers, my toes, make sure my eyes are there, my nose, my mouth. count my teeth and my ears.
i'm not sure why i do it, i just do, and i started in what? 8th grade, but it makes me feel content a little. like, yes, hello, good morning, you are all here physically.
i guess i'm making some excuse to try and be all here mentally.
emotionally.
anyway.
i've come to the conclusion that i'm doing shit with my life.
i go out every weekend, i bomb on what little homework i do.
no, thats bullshit.
i go out everyweekend, i do get good as fuck grades,
ok, fuck this. i don't know where i'm going. i'm fine.
everything's really just a-okay, fine.
i feel boring as fuck, though.
like i'm such a drag and i'm not interesting or important or anything.
yesterday when i woke up, after my routine i layed and thought,
"jesus christ i wish someone would just tell me i'm important to them, or i'm not boring at all and that i mean something"
because i can't help but feel some overlying gloom that imposes the threat of me being boring and not important and all that.
because that's how i feel.
anyway.

yesterday i woke up and i went to city line. i got myself mcdonald's because i didn't eat friday and i didn't want to bother with making myself anything so mcd's was right there.
i even got soda.
haha, fuck me. i got a pomegranate and persimmons and i'm going to eat them sometime soon when they're ripe.
whatever.
i left for newport mall at 2:30 and i met alex.
she changed.
her boyfriend.
whatever.
her sister.
she doesn't remember me.
WHICH ALSO LEADS ME TO,
am i that easy to forget?
i mean, i don't think i'm that easy to forget, so c'mon now.
tell me i'm fucking something but a footnote in a life.
she goes shopping, she wants to shop.
her boyfriend drops money like theres no tomorrow.
intense.
i'm a drag, i know.
i stand and giggle and smile and nod when she likes something and nod when she doesn't.
they tell me i'm cute a couple million times and i'm loosing it inside.
they leave for the movie.
i get a taco, like usual.
soda again. fuck me.
i go to the bench.
thebench. all the way by lenscrafters and i sit and i eat my taco.
in somber silence and effortless gleam.
taco taco, how i love you.
my life is sad.
i run into people its fine. i don't bother. at about 7 i leave to go home.
lightrail, bus. awkward bus ride, walking up the hill side by side.
door.
hahahaha.
door.
its funny how you know someone for what, almost 10+ years, and you have like.
feelings and you loose them and then you bump into eachother, regardless of the fact that he lives right upstairs, and then you're like.
wow look at the time that's passed because i don't have feelings for you anymore kinda sorta.
whatever.

i'm terrified of clowns, you know.
they kill me.
besides that i'm scared as fuck of dying and heights.
yeah, fuck me.

i almost hate being called cute. i think its a really weird compliment being that i don't think i'm cute or whatever.
i don't like those kind of compliments at all.
the best compliment i've ever gotten by far, or to my standards was,
"you know sarah, you're probably the only person i know where awkward silences aren't even that awkward."
from dear robert, of course.
and probably when him and dylan told me that one reallyreallyreally bad day that i was their bestfriend.
and i felt good.
i feel good as fuck all the time because of them. and i find so much pride. in being something for them.
oh boy, sarah.

you know my christmas gifts this year really fucking sucked and i'm pretty disappointed.
i walked through the mall by myself and i looked at all the things i wanted i looked at myself in the mirror and i thought i am not like this at all i should stop.
but i didn't.
i should've waisted my money, i shouldshouldshould've but whatever.

i'm a mess, i know it.
but at all the same time i know nothing's wrong and i know i'm fine and i'm going to be fine.
remember.
i'm always in love.
teeeeheeee.