i'm saying i'm okay, but i'm not thinking i'm okay.
i'm in one of those distressed, 'i don't know what to do' moods, although, i'm thinking, i do know what to do. or at least, i know what i want to do, and i can't do it, so therefore, duh, i'm getting you know, uh, distressed.
i'm tired, that's all. i'm just really really really tired.
on friday i cam home and crashed because of everything.
it's not even bad, its just. the fact that it all exists.
i'm beginning to notice that the pattern of my days is so consistent, and i need to change that, so they're more. efficient, i guess.
my days this week have been okay, too. i haven't been counting them, or anticipating one day to come, but in fact, i've been letting them come as they are, and taking them in.
i don't even know but i think we didn't have school on monday.
i don't even remember.
i know though, that we've been staying afterschool basically everyday and ordering chinese, and playing cards, and um, truth or dare.
"oh, right, haha, it's like 'i'm not going to say anything, but it rhymes with, 'i kissed him'"
i still remember that as one of the most vivid things you've ever said.
it wasn't even bad.
actually, it was pretty good, hahaha.
although, rah rah rah.
on that note, i very much enjoyed truth or dare and its being, and its entirety, and entertainment for the days, but who knows whats going on now...
i don't know what i mean with that sentence.
i watched defying gravity on thursday, and it was amazing.
it was delivered in this beautiful, simple, poetic, loving way, and you could see it very easily.
i liked it, a lot.
this week i've also had this growth with travis, and the rest of my class, and its been nice.
so anyway, after defying gravity, we had to walk all the way to the lightrail station, on 51st, and then yeah, go home.
upon walking, i don't know.
i felt this real urge of. freedom, and compassion.
running in the street, and walking by a graveyard and going along paths, and all.
it's very calming, and nice for thinking.
i don't know why i'm talking like this.
anyway, the whole time i was busy texting you, and well, i liked how you said,
"haha. you can walk 30 blocks, but you can't walk up a hill?"
and.
i'm telling you i am in love with that symbolism.
maybe i'll lock that on my phone so it can never be deleted.
anywayyy.
at the station, there was this. i don't even know what it was. but it was very nice, too.
home blahblah
friday was immaculate.
it was like my friday's last year.
geometry nothing, double nard nothing, spanish nothing, free, i/s nothing, alban nothing, and then double bio. which was actually nothing too.
we went outside and saw the bunnies!
hahahaha, i fucking love travis. and i even got to hold one (:
oh, and, not to mention that i now have an eeg in my tote.
the shit i do for science.
in one moment i am home and i am sleeping and i am enjoying that rest and nothing-ness so much.
- - -
i am nothing, right now.
because of everything you are doing.
none of this is even my fault, its all you.
why don't you just, you know, tell me.
i would like to assume that you owe that to me, at least.
i don't even think i'm involved.
i'd just like to know whats going on, for the sake of wanting to help you.
rah rah rah
- - -
on a happier note,
i think this is cool as fuck
- - -
i don't think anyone loves me
it feels great

not