i've got nothing to say, but at the same time, i want to spill my heart out.
i feel so stupid, i must admit.
i just really, really do.
i haven't blogged in so long, in a serious, actual effort because well, i figured, if you know me enough, or bother with me enough because you say you 'care' you wouldn't need to read some blog to try and catch up with me.
i am not just this blog, and by reading this blog you cannot find everything out about me.
yes? no? maybe so.
not really.

in a, uh, quick overview.
winter break was very nice, although, too much of it was spent at the mall.
monday, i'm not sure what we did.
tuesday, mall. dylan slept over.
weds., mall
thursday nothing
friday mall
then sleepover at some hotel into saturday which turned into the mall too
sleeping over btw for riana's sweet 16, not to mention that all my friends are turning 16 and i'm completely too young.
sigh.
sunday i crashed at home because i was so sick.
this week has been fine too.
yesterday was jean's party and in this really whack effort i went ice skating and by the end of the whole trip, i am still alive.
hurrah, hurrah.

i have managed to confuse myself even more, with situations i am in, and it drives me insane.

i should go do what i have to do.

yesterday, i felt, so bad.
you have NO clue, this is just, some extreme.
my father calls me because its 11, and woooo, its too 'late' and he starts cursing me out on the phone and i'm bitching and now hes rushing to come pick me up.
at the end of the night i had my father cursing me the fuck out, and me bitching back and this bitching war going on in the car, and on the way home.
he even made me call jean and her mom out so he could talk to them.
i think about how pissed off he gets at me while he's driving and imagine him getting in some apocalyptic car accident and i'd be getting hit in direct contact and i'd never talk to him again for as long as he was alive and my life might be a-okay.
i don't know if i'm only kidding or not.
i'm probably not.
i told him off.
i figured if i could survive ice skating, and not dying, i could survive telling him the truth, and not dying.
and it turns out i was right.
my father sucks, its about time he knows.
and if he didn't quite hit him that way, i'll wait for more inevitable arguments so he understands that.

everything sucks so much.
and it makes me feel so utterly and completely bad.
i cannot stress this feeling enough.

i am so sorry.
please, come back and talk to me.

why the fuck am i always apologizing.

as far as relationships go, i should probably just jump off a building.
you have no clue how much i need some right now.
i woke up again, this morning, and just looked in the mirror and told myself i needed some.
but oh, goddamn those days when i could've got some.
like uh, last night.
god fucking damn.
TALK TO ME. i need to talk to you!
!!!